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Re: Two Flyers - pgflyer.pdf

From: "Greg Sabino Mullane" <greg(at)turnstep(dot)com>
To: pgsql-advocacy(at)postgresql(dot)org
Subject: Re: Two Flyers - pgflyer.pdf
Date: 2004-07-04 15:11:26
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Quick notes, mostly to do with grammar and spelling:
"Open-Source" needs neither capitilization nor hyphenation.
A comma is needed after "Many organizations"
A comma is needed after "large corporations"
"have implemented" is wordy: go with "use" instead.
The entire "Many organizations" sentence is awkward.
"Join the PostrgreSQL revolution" sounds dorky and unprofessional.
The corporate world does not want to hear the word "revolution."
They want words like "stable", "TCO", "popular", and "enterprise"
The entire "Join the" sentence is redundant and could be removed.
Just jump straight to the bullet list.
In the "excellent support" bullet, we may want to mention that
the support solutions are "around the clock" or "24/7".
"Appropriate for high volume environments" sounds a little
weak. Replace "appropriate" with "excellent" or "good" or
"full support" or ???.
"Proprietary vendors use this strategy for that reason as well."
The use of "this and that" is hard to read: rephrase as
"Proprietary vendors use MVCC for the same reason"
"The last stable version" implies there are "unstable" versions:
just say "the latest version" instead.
"Open-Source-Software" should be "open source software".
"If your staff have" should be "if your company has"
"in any way" needs a comma afterwards.
Remove the "then" in the same sentence.
"costs" should be "cost"
"ANSI-SQL-99-Standard compliant" should be
"ANSI SQL99 standard compliant" or
"ANSI/ISO SQL99 standard compliant"
Stored procedures bullet:
Might want to mention more languages and move the bullet up.
Perhaps PL/Java, Pl/R, and Pl/PHP?
Add comma after XML
Typos: "standby" "authentication"
"Tools for generating portable SQL to share with
 other SQL-compliant systems"
Not sure if this belongs in here.
"Cross-database compatibility functions"
What is this one trying to say?
"gets the job done and with no hassle" is bad English: simply
say "gets the job done with no hassles" or something else
"Any more questions? You will certainly find the answer on the website"
Actually, they won't, but that's not the flyer's problem. :)
It's not clear what "PostgreSQL General Bits" is: it could easily
be construed to be the name of the flyer.
A quick pronounciation guide at the very top might be nice.
(e.g. "pronounced 'Post-Gres-Cue-Ell'")
Overall, a good start, but the tone and the style needs some work.
We should get someone who does this sort of thing for a living
to help out, e.g. a marketer or a proofreader. Anyone know someone?
- --
Greg Sabino Mullane greg(at)turnstep(dot)com
PGP Key: 0x14964AC8 200407041112

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Subject: Re: Two Flyers - pgflyer.pdf
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